Tribulations

They say everything happens (or doesn't) for a reason.  I cannot say with confidence that I understand that one right now...perhaps someday but not today.  As you know from the previous post the ultrasound was scheduled for today.  The anticipation was enough to stress me out the entire week (not sure how I even got through work).  What if she is pregnant?  What if she is not?  What will I do then?  How will I deal with it?  How will my wonderful puppy buyers, all of whom I am excited to have adopt a puppy, deal with it?

We have all invested so much in this litter, the time, the research, the dollars and above all else, the emotion, very much emotion for me.  Zoe went in this morning with a full bladder as instructed...believe me it was the only thing showing up on the screen.  I offered to take her out for some relief and to try again.  I did, and we tried again.  Her bladder was definitely smaller, but nothing else was showing up either.  It was suggested we could do the Relaxin test, but at a 95% chance there was not a pup in there (unless a singleton was behind her now little bladder), I decided against it.

So yes, it is with a very heavy heart and deep emotion that I am writing this today.  For those on the puppy list, I am so sorry.  Believe me, I know how you are feeling ... actually probably ten-fold.  I can now tell you that I have had to keep something from you - Not that I wanted to keep anything from you on the breeding, believe me, but I didn't want any of you feeling the let down that I did the day we did the AI, and especially if you didn't need to.

What I am referring to, is that when we did the semen thaw, my vet and his tech informed me that the semen count (the motility rate of it) was very low.  Expectations are around 200 million; we had 33 million.  Those numbers aren't good...believe me I spent a long time that night researching for any hope I could find.  It came down to there being a chance, even if not a good one, a chance nonetheless.  I still had optimism, hope, and faith that we still had a shot at success.  With all of our testing and having the proper timing, I knew, or at least hoped, it could still happen. If she did end up pregnant then there was no need to worry any of you.  I hope you understand why I didn't want to share that ugly little piece of news.  Of all of the concerns about EIC, CNM, PRA, hips, elbow, eyes, etc (all of which were tested), the one thing I was really not concerned about was the semen.

For those that have sent me your deposits - please contact me privately to discuss.  I have a lot to consider, do and decide over the next week or two.  I do not like to act in haste, so I will wait for the emotional upset to lighten a little before I make any decisions on what comes next.  Your thoughts and comments, either posted or private, are welcome and appreciated.  Please take a few moments to let it all sink in and digest though.

There are some things that even good chocolate cannot fix.

~Rachelle